I shudder to think of all the mistakes I’ve made in the short three years I’ve been a first time mom. I remember this vision I had of becomina a mother.In this vision of grandeur I would never yell, NEVER become frustrated, and I would always be understanding…I can tell you honestly I’ve failed. There are days when I am so exhausted from repeating myself 20 times and still getting no results I just want to lay down and not get back up. Many times I just want to get through one business call without my daughter realizing, “Mommy is on the phone now is the perfect time to run out the doggie door because she can’t really do a thing about it.” Times when vegging seems like the best idea in the world but a tiny voice keeps saying she’s bored and suddenly I realize a park is the only thing that will help the day.
Set aside the endless times I’ve picked food up off the floor even though we both know she knows better, smoothies thrown down because the “dogs wanted some”. the time she took my brand new Mac eyeshadow and shook it all down the sink like the salt shaker until every last flake was washed down the drain, and the thousands of times I say come here only to realize “come here” must smean “GO” in Toddlerese because she literally darts in the opposite direction.
I wish I could say I’ve been the perfect mom. That I have the perfect balance between my business, my daughter and my life. That I cut out shapes for lunch and stories every night. But I don’t and I’m not.
Sometimes in the midst of those other moments I’m tempted to think there is something wrong with me. Other mother’s with perfect yards perfect lives, who seemingly never care if their kid isn’t potty trained until they are 5. And I think, “It must just be me I guess I just suck.” But then I realize even on my worst day I’m still the best mom Matilda has ever had. And I’m sure it’s the same for you and yours.
I remember when they put Matilda on me after birth. I didn’t hear angels sing or have a blissful time. Not at that moment. I just stared at her thinking… hmmm. But when they left us alone suddenly something began to change in me. And when the nurse perfomred a hearing test on M and pulled some of my newborns hair accidently and M let out a scream that could peel paint..I had the strangest urge come over me. A fierce protective instinct like I’ve never experienced in my entire life before. Honestly that nurse was very close to getting a WWF beatdown right there in the room. And in that moment I realized, “This is it I’m a mom.”
Tonight my daughter is not feeling that great. She rarely gets colds but she has one tonight. I’ve held her all day fed her, steamed her, elevated her bed and humidified her. You see in spite of all the ways she makes me crazy and in spite of all the times I’m not perfect there is nothing in the world I wouldn’t do for my girl. Then you add the countless times I’ve turned my phone off to play puzzles on the floor, the scraped knees I’ve mended, the many falls I’ve stopped, the 100’s of times I’ve watched Mickey or Bubble Guppies even though I can recite every word, or buy a $30 stuffed animal that only costs $5 but it’s no where to be found so ebay got the best of me because she really wanted it… I realize I may not be perfect but I’m a great mom.
I just want you to be encouraged too. I don’t know if any of those “perfect moms” break down. But if you’re looking to feel like you’re not alone in feeling like you are less than perfect, remember you’ve always got me. But I bet even on your worst day you are still a great mom. So forgive yourself today as I forgive myself daily and know that tomorrow is a new day and every day we get better and better for our kids.
You are a GREAT Mom!