Rejected By My Biological Father No Happy Ending #LongLostFamily

There is a new TV show out called Long Lost Family. It’s all about people finding their parents after they’ve been adopted or finding a parent they were separated from. I was already rejected by my biological father years ago and it was only the love and Grace of Jesus that helped me heal. And the love of an awesome mom really. I think it’s one of the most unnatural things in the world to be rejected by a father or mother. And it hurts deeply. But there is hope and that is what I want to share with you today. So if you know anyone who has faced this please share this article with them too so they can heal.

Late last night I sat and watched a new  show in my bedroom. Called Long Lost Family. It’s all about kids looking for parents who gave them up and those parents cry and love on them when they are reunited. So late that night while everyone else was sleeping I again thought to myself….maybe. Just maybe he is looking for me, or is curious or maybe he thinks about me like I do him, just maybe.

Let me go back in time for a moment back to  when I was in my 20’s (about 20 years ago). At that time a friend of mine told me I should reach out to my biological dad. He said he had been estranged from his own son and if it were him he’d want to meet me. Well I should have figured out that my bio dad was not him. And it wasn’t about to go all that hot for me.

So I called my bio dad’s  number and experienced my first anxiety attack in my life. I told him I was successful didn’t want or need anything just wondered if he would mail a picture of himself to me. Super simple thing to do I thought right? Wrong.

He was shocked but said he would.

After a few weeks of nothing coming to me in the mail I think my mom felt some frustration and reached out to him. At which time he said to her, “I have my own life so no I’m not sending it to her and tell her not to contact me again.”

I suppose I could have raged at that moment, or caused his life to be miserable. He’s kept me from his own daughters all these years. And everyone else for that matter. You see it’s not the child’s fault that you had a moment with someone and then realized you don’t want that someone. So why would you ever just turn your back on a little child? Because you are totally selfish that’s why.

 

You may be thinking to yourself, “How did all of this happen?”

Let me go way back just for you. The story is a bit foggy but my understanding is that he was getting married soon and never told that to my mom who was seeing him at the time. Things happened and I happened. And when he found out that I happened he denied me.
After a paternity test he paid for me. Then a few years later when mom remarried he called her to ask if he could stop. So that was that.

Why am I even writing all of this? Because I know that there are people who desperately want their parents to love them. And the sad truth is that for many of us there is no happy ending like that TV show. But does that mean that we cannot be happy?
No it doesn’t.

If my bio dad totally rejects me and continues to reject me until the day he goes to the grave does that mean that I’m rejected? NO it does not.

It means that he’s a sad human being who is totally selfish and is missing out on one of the best blessings he could have, a daughter like me. I mean look at how cute I was seriously?

Lisa hanson as a baby

So what do we do when those who should love us don’t. We make a decision to show them love in our hearts and just move on.

If I spent my life thinking about him and that he has daughters he loves but not me, how would that make my life feel? You guessed it pretty sucky.

And recently after watching that stupid show I did reach out to a cousin. When I shared the story and told him that I just wanted someone to know who I was and where I was in case my bio dad ever wanted to reach out to me? He unfriend me. Maybe he was shocked maybe he thinks I’m lying I have no clue but it did hurt again.  And can I control his actions?
No. Did it hurt me? Yes I’m human right?

So this story may be a little depressing but it has an upside. “Thank God.” You may be thinking LOL

Know this. In life there are some bad things that happen and some people who are just selfish.  You may want to tell them off. I know that part of me wishes I could call him and explode. However what good would it do? Do you think he would say, “Oh wow Lisa I’m sorry I never knew I hurt you that way?” No he wouldn’t.

I know where he lives and I know his number and in 20 years I’ve never written him the “you hurt me deeply” letter.

Instead I realize that he has nothing to do with my value in life. That even though he is thoughtless and not worthy of my love that is exactly why I should try to love him. From a distance of course.

You see there is a scripture in the Bible, well several that I really love.

Psalm 68:4 The Bible describes God as, “Father to the fatherless” (Psalm 68:5 NLT).

Jesus said, “For the Father himself loves you dearly” (John 16:27 NLT).

So even though he doesn’t love me the ONE who made everything does.

So maybe you can find comfort in that. And realize that you can’t control who rejects you.

But don’t ever let rejection on the outside produce rejection on the inside of your heart.

I know it’s not easy. And some days like the one I had the other day you may be filled with stinging questions of “Why me, how come they can’t just love me, why does he love his daughters but not me” Those thoughts come. But just know that you are loved and a person’s selfish heart has zero to do with how valuable you are.

I really hope this helped you if you ever feel lost or rejected. You are not alone xoox- Lisa

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. Kris says

    Dear Lisa, You are an amazing, beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing your story. I have returned to read it again several times over the past year. I admire your positive outlook and courage.

    My story is different, but has similar themes. I started writing it all out, but realized it’s too long and complicated, and I don’t want to abbreviate it and put “out there in internet space” for anyone to misunderstand or minimize what I have been through.

    One of the hard things about having a difficult story, aside from bearing it, is the sense you get from people who just aren’t able to care. When your story (and the pain that accompanies it) begins to consume you and drown you emotionally, it’s hard when friends, family, and even counselors give you the feeling that they just want you to “get over it”. I guess a survival strategy would be to tell yourself a different story, but I am a girl who values, and seeks, the truth.

    My father passed away last year. We were estranged for complicated reasons. I tried over the years to reconcile with him but he would not respond. I prayed for him, and hoped for a reunion with him, for years. On a spiritual level, I know I made things right with my father by writing to him all of the things I needed to say. I can’t help the fact that he was unable to respond.

    He had two daughters from his second marriage. They are adults now with children of their own. I reached out to one of the daughters and to his surviving wife, explaining how much I needed to talk with them, to fill in the missing pieces of the puzzle to my life.

    They apparently don’t have the capacity to care or they are too afraid. Neither of those qualities are admirable. They refused to respond to my letters. I wrote to his wife letting her know I was coming to town and hoped to see her while I was there. No response. I went there to leave flowers at my father’s grave. I had trouble finding the marker, and after searching for over an hour, decided to knock on his wife’s door, as their home was just around the corner — within walking distance.

    They were there, expecting me, but had planned in advance to not acknowledge me. Not only would they not answer the door, the daughter texted me, saying essentially, “you’ve made your pain known to us — we regret the pain you’re in — but we can’t help you — please don’t contact us again.” Some of the information she texted me about my father was inaccurate, but since they were not willing to have a conversation, I was at a complete loss. She then followed that up, after I left, by calling the police. How’s that for a family reunion in TV land?

    The grief is hard enough to bear. Grief from childhood loss; grief from unresolved parental estrangement; and grief from my father’s death. To then be treated like a piece of trash to be thrown in the wastebasket by his second family… is pretty messed up. How can people be so callous? How can people be so small-minded and selfish? The experience resulted me going through an emotional hell that I thought would kill me. The grief and anger that unnecessarily ripped through my being for the next several months could have all been avoided by a simple conversation. How can we be kind to strangers and call ourselves good people and treat our own relations like garbage? It’s hard to conceive.

    It’s not quite a year later. I’m a 50-year old woman with my own family, and I’m still struggling with the same puzzle. I still have questions about my father. The missing pieces are out there but they are being withheld. Please, people, if you are ever in a situation like this, do the right thing and have a simple conversation with the injured party. Don’t ignore someone who is trying to put the pieces of their life’s history together so they can move on in peace. Don’t withhold peace from anyone. Remember the golden rule. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Put yourself in someone else’s place, and realize that, but for the grace of God, the same thing could have happened to you.

    • says

      I hope you see this response- I am not sure how this comment was missed – I am sorry for your pain. But what I realized is that we do not need them to feel whole. God the maker of the entire universe approves of you. And if you were the only person on this earth Jesus would have come down JUST for you. That is what I hold to when I deal with these emotions. You are loved. You ARE valuable. And your value is not determined by a man but it was predestined by YOUR GOD. Know that –
      Lisa Cash Hanson recently posted..How To Find A Christian Speaker For Your ChurchMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge